Attachment Gone Wild

I was talking with a friend this morning about feeling attached to feeling good. We all want to just feel good, don't we? We all want to be happy all the time. But, each time we feel really good in life, there's often a little voice that pops up suggesting to hold on for dear life or else it might go away forever.

Well, it's partly right. It usually does go away at some point. I know that wasn't the answer you were hoping for. But, life gets in the way. Things set us off. People piss us off. We get irritated, angry, scared, embarrassed, hurt and any other negative emotion you can think of. The very fear that speaks to us in the soft, unassuming voice is the very reason it goes away. 

Although the "feel good" feeling goes away at times, it does return. But, not if we clutch fearfully. Not if we're attached to the expectation of feeling good. And why can't we expect to feel good even most of the time, if not all the time? And why can't we expect things and experiences in life that contribute to our feeling good? Because fear = feeling crappy and love = feeling good, if not great.

There's a difference between wanting to feel good and being attached to expecting to feel good. When I'm scared about losing it, I feel crappy because my expectations come from a place of fear and neediness. "B-bye," it says. When I enjoy it worry-free, I feel good because my desire come from the opposite of fear - love. I may desire to feel good, but I'm not attached to the desire or the expectation.

Of course I didn't make this stuff up. Ask Buddha.

Are You A Child Of God?

Now don't think I'm going to get all religious on you. Or, maybe I am.

I'm participating in a group coaching class led by Gabrielle Bernstein this month. And she said something to one of the class members that touched me to my core. She said, "You are a child of God." What she meant by "God" was L-O-V-E - the loving energy that flows through us and through this world, the energy that is accessible even during our most fearful moments. I beamed when I heard this. It felt so right, like settling into my skin and into myself. It momentarily lifted any weight I had been carrying in that instance.

Now whatever your religious or spiritual beliefs may be, whatever your definition of "God" may be, think about this for just a moment. Just one, single moment is all I ask. What comes to mind when you hear this? What does it conjure up or evoke? Why?

I thought about all the ways in which our own parents did us "right" and did us "wrong" - based on our perceptions of an ideal upbringing - which we use as a barometer of what to do or not to do when raising our own kids (so I've heard). Whether or not their behavior was intentional, we all have certain experiences that feel traumatic that we often carry with us throughout our lives. And we even go so far as to recreate them with others so that we can work through and heal them.

And because of these experiences, which we're all still working through, I felt liberated when I heard this. I may have been born to my parents, but they did their part. They loved me, clothed me, fed me, gave me shelter and a pretty cool sister too. But who I became as a result of their love, fear, approval or disapproval is not who I am destined to be for good. And who I'm becoming is not a result of anyone person, people, things, etc. in my life.

Of course these people or things might give me a leg up or down depending on my circumstances or perception. But, they don't define me for life. Because I realized in that one moment that I too am a child of God. I too am a child of the collective consciousness, loving energy, that I consider my definition of "God." I too can tap into this whenever I feel like it, whenever I'm feeling down or uncomfortable. It's right there for the taking. It's right there so I can be guided.

What's Your Conditioned Response To Certain Situations?

Yesterday, I was sitting in traffic on my way to an appointment. As usual, I didn't give myself enough time to get there and park, and I didn't have enough change for the meter. So, I began to feel anxious about being late and I could feel the pressure build up in my body. This happens almost every time I'm late.

Something clicked and I had this moment of clarity in which I asked myself, "What can I possibly do about this right now? And, if I am late (which I probably will be), what is the worst than can happen?" This brought me tremendous peace in the moment, which was too late to reverse this time anyway.

What I realized was how strongly I react sometimes. And maybe I've conditioned myself to act this way each time I'm late. Is it necessary to be this anxious every single time? Is it worth getting myself all worked up, regardless of the situation or event I'm running late to? Am I Pavlov's dog?

It's not that I don't think anxiety is an appropriate response. This can be a really helpful emotion to shine light on some issues that really need my attention. If anything, I think I may want to explore why I'm always running just a tad late, enough to shake me up. But, I'm going to save that one for another day.

In this particular situation and moment, I think I blew up my anxiety more than was helpful, and probably to the point of being harmful. Given some recent reflection I've been doing on 'worrying,' I wondered if the anxiety I felt in this moment, as well as many other moments, was just a conditioned response to the stimuli of being late. Was I just feeling triggered? It seems so obvious now, but it really hasn't been my entire life.

I'm putting this out there because I'm curious if you too have a conditioned response to certain fear-inducing situations.

• Do you respond with fear, worry or anxiety to specific situations?
• Are you triggered most with relationships, money, career, being late, etc.?
• What is it that evokes negative emotions in you?
• Is the emotion just as strong regardless of the situation?
• Is there an old story or tape you're playing that can be rewritten, thus evoking a different response? 

Thoughts, comments, questions? I'd love to hear from you.

Practicing Gratitude

If you're interested in practicing gratitude (see Gifts of Gratitude & Your Relationship To Gratitude), here are a few scenarios and questions to get your feet wet on Thankfulfor…

• What or who are you feeling down about lately?
• What is one thing about this thing or person that you appreciate?
• How do you feel? 

• What do you want more of that you're not getting (e.g., affection, understanding, appreciation, etc.)?
• Try giving it to the person you most desire it from.
• How do you feel?

• How are you feeling in this moment?
• Is there one thing that you feel thankful for?
• Sit with it and cherish it for a moment.

Life Book, Chapter 8: Accomplishments

• What are the 3 most celebrated moments in your life?
  • By you?
  • By others?

• What are your 3 biggest successes?
  • This week?
  • This year?
  • This lifetime?

• What big accomplishment did you forget to honor?

More to come...